Feeling better

Ok, don’t read too much into that last post. I was having a hard time last night, and felt I was losing MC.  I feared I was going to lose him right when I’ve allowed myself to trust and love him most.  He assured me I was not, could not, and would not – but I could not be consoled.  I didn’t sleep well last night at all. Probably 2 hours, total and I woke up about a thousand times because of short nighmares.  I don’t think MC slept well, either. The light of day offered little comfort, and I was still in a bad way until about noon. Things have become more clear, and I am feeling better.

Funny thing is I wound up losing 1.8 pounds this week (I lost 3 pounds since yesterday!). Probably water weight from all the crying…  It’s a good thing that MC is strong- willed and not easily run off.  

As a result of my panic attack (that’s all I can call it, really) MC and I didn’t have our schedule playtime today.  Our next opportunity will be in about 10 days… *sigh*.   We watched “How the grinch stole christmas” and “kiss me kate” this afternoon. Both light, and easily digested.

Tomorrow will be a “chore” day, so that we can have a family day on Sunday.  It’s nice to have a weekend when we can all be together. 

It’s days like today that I could really use some hard play- punishment even. I know MC  forgives me for losing it, but I don’t know how to forgive myself, sometimes.

Tomorrow is a new day, and a new start. I’m so fortunate to be married to  a man who loves me, with all of my faults and crazy-making. I definately keep it to a minimum, and I’m sure he’s grateful for that.  I am not  a drama queen – and I run from drama. It’s just right now I’m basically a housewife, and no one ever told me how scary that can be – to be totally dependent on someone for support – not only now, but if they were to die…  Well, I have to not think about that right now. I just got over it my last “episode”.   lol  

Thank you MC, for being who you are.

Your’s forever, tigger

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